We finished a 7-day-long ATM series today on learning how to stand over your feet by gaining hip mobility and using it to be able to stand comfortably with your feet in any position. I am completely relieved that it's over. Don't get me wrong, it's a good series, just extremely challenging and WAY outside my comfort zone.
For the past 7 days, we've been doing a piece of that series in the morning, followed by giving a classmate an FI related to the ATM, then lunch, then switching roles and having that classmate give you the same FI. It results in a very busy nervous system with way too much new information. On Friday, we all stood up from the ATM with our hips far more open than usual. Angel warned us that this way of standing can feel very powerful to some people, and to watch out for that power, because a woman once went home from this lesson, decided she'd had enough, and punched her husband in the face. I did not feel powerful. I felt vulnerable. I didn't like this new way of standing, and I was not excited to have two more days of it coming up.
Today I hit the breaking point. After 7 days of this series, I'm standing in an entirely unfamiliar way. My habit is to stand with my feet turned in a little with my weight toward the balls of my first toes, in and forward, with my upper chest a little collapsed and my head a little forward. The new way of standing? My feet are straight forward with the weight near the outside, my hips are turned open, my chest is open, and my head is directly over my spine. Physically, it's actually very comfortable, but emotionally, it's terrifying and overwhelming and not really me, as I think of myself.
If it's not me, how can it feel so physically easy to stand like this?
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Bodies can sometimes change more quickly than our emotions, habits, thought patterns and desires. I encourage you to love the new ease and the vulnerable bit - hold them both lightly and with love for as long as you can. My thoughts are with you brave one, and I cannot wait to hear what happens after you sit with these things for awhile and make friends. YOU are an inspiration and gentle teacher - I know you will care for and love yourself well.
ReplyDeleteLove you - Dawn
Thank you, Dawn. It's good to hear someone else thinks I'm brave, because I certainly don't feel it right now. I'm gonna take my time letting this one settle, and then I'll see if I can put the resolution into words in a sequel to this post. A hot bath has already helped a bit in washing away some of the voices saying I'm not myself anymore.
ReplyDeleteEpsoms salts - cups of epsom salts help me wash those voices away!!
ReplyDeleteHUGS