Day 8: A Lesson in Self-Regulation

Part of the way Feldenkrais works is that by breaking down a movement into its most basic pieces and then slowing those pieces down, it allows you to access a very old part of your nervous system and change very old patterns of movement and behavior. When you access that part of your nervous system, it can bring up very old memories connected to those patterns, good or bad, and in a completely visceral way. It can be exhilarating, terrifying, painful, or a million other things, or a combination thereof depending on the particular memory.

I had one of those experiences today, a very powerful one. We were doing an ATM, one that integrates the movement of your legs into the rest of your body, so that every part of your body is involved in moving your leg to make it easier. We started lying on our backs with our knees bent and feet flat on the floor. I knew right off the bat that it was going to be a difficult lesson for me, because the first movement was to lift your right arm and right leg towards each other and hold onto your foot with your hand. I have limited mobility in my right hip, and that movement is not actually possible for me. I altered it by holding onto the middle of my shin instead of my foot to make it possible.

It got more complicated and more difficult from there. We were then directed to hold on to the right foot with both hands and roll slightly to the left to bring the right foot to the ground, but keeping the right leg bent and vertical (ie. the right leg couldn't rest on the left). That particular position is extremely difficult for me, and playing with how to make it possible brought me back to being an 11-year-old trying to do painful physical therapy after a hip surgery. That was not a happy 11-year-old. She was scared. She hurt. She was frustrated. The last time those memories came back because of an FI (one-on-one lesson), I hid in my room for 5 days caught up in the pain and frustration. All of those emotions came back again today and all I really wanted to do was stop doing the lesson, curl up on my side, and possibly cry.

When I realized where that reaction was coming from, I tried to remind myself that I am not 11, I don't have a screw in my right hip preventing me from rotating it, and that I didn't need to have that reaction. I was able to convince myself when I wanted to stop doing the lesson to lie on my back instead of on my side. Lying on my back with my eyes closed I could concentrate on my breathing and let go of those emotions, whereas if I had stayed on my side I would have hidden from the world inside those emotions. Using the lying on my back trick, I was able to stay with the lesson and finish it, taking breaks every so often to calm myself down.

In the middle of the lesson, Angel (the teacher leading the ATM) read us a Moshe quote (I told you they'd come up often...) that fit exactly what I was experiencing -

When we learn to really comfort ourselves, to manage our own comfort, joy, and well-being, then we will improve society. We will create comfort as the tightness in the brain is released. When this happens the evolution of our race will improve, and our children will experience this.

It's a relief to know that I can comfort myself, and begin to release those nasty old memories stored deep in my brain. I'll be free when those stories are free. I know that won't happen for a long time, but at least I've got a start on it.

PS. I taught my first ATM today. It was just to one person, and a lesson I'm very familiar with. It went way better than I expected it to.