Segment 6, Day 16: breakthrough!

I survived Week 3! It even came with a major physical breakthrough on Thursday...

For many many years, I've been working on strengthening the outside of my right hip so I could stabilize myself over my right leg. Those muscles basically shrunk away and went to sleep after my 5th grade surgery. Not being able to use those muscles means that when I stand over my right leg, it's very difficult for me to bring my left hip up so that my pelvis is situated evenly over my right leg. I tend to collapse into my right hip when I walk. It adds a piece to my limp, partially caused by that and partially caused by my right leg being an eight of an inch shorter than my left. My surgeon was fairly certain that those exterior hip muscles would be atrophied permanently. I think he even used the word paralyzed at some point.

Have I mentioned how much I love proving him wrong? If not, I really really really love proving him wrong. It's totally thrilling, even if he never finds out about it.

On Thursday afternoon we did a very odd ATM. We all sat on a corner of a seat (we used our FI tables) so that one hip was on the table and one hip was off the table. (Richard calls it the "half-assed" lesson. Hahaha.) We played with moving the hip that was not on the table in all different directions and seeing how we could coordinate those hip movements with torso and head movements. When I stood up and started walking, it felt almost like I was floating, because all of a sudden I could walk squarely over each leg with no collapsing in my right hip at all. The magic of Feldenkrais strikes again. For the few days, those muscles around my right hip felt wide awake, and the numb spot around my scar there felt itchy. Itchy numb spots are always a good sign on the road to recovery. It means there are connections being made again.

Of course, then Richard had to go and mess it all up with another ATM this morning that seemed to have nothing to do with what we did last week and just left me confused... Oh well. Good thing I've got an FI with Angel tomorrow. She can help me bring it back.

Segment 6, Day 12: week 3. yuck.

In every segment, there's a shift that happens when Week 3 starts. I've probably written about it before, because it's always a weird week. After two weeks of messing with your brain, your normal patterns (both physical and emotional) are scrambled enough that symptoms of Week 3 show up.

1. Energy drop. We started class on Monday a full 10 minutes late, when we're usually good at starting right at 9. Everyone was quiet and very low energy all day.

2. Incompetency. By the end of Week 2 you feel fairly competent in what you've been working on for two weeks. When Week 3 comes around, it all disappears and no one feels like they have any idea what they're doing anymore. Everybody gets extremely picky about who they chose to pair with for FI practice.

3. Irrational irritability. This morning, for example, we did an ATM that was difficult for me. All the difficult pieces of it made me generally frustrated, and because of the build-up, hearing Richard ask during the lesson if lying down was getting "better" pissed me off, because no, it was not getting better, and why should it be? (He had framed that phrase at the beginning of the lesson. There was no valid reason for me to interpret it that way, but it happened regardless. Classic Week 3.)

4. Breakdowns/Meltdowns. If it's gonna happen during a segment, for most people it will be during Week 3, maybe Week 4. My little episode this morning didn't turn into a full blown breakdown, luckily, but I did excuse myself from the FI practice that followed the ATM. The morning would have gone much worse if I had been part of that practice.

There are probably more symptoms, but those are the major ones I can think of right now. Luckily the week will likely get easier after tomorrow. The slump is usually just the first two or three days of the week, and then the energy picks up a bit again. Just have to be patient with yourself and others and wait it out.

Segment 6, Day 6: panic-free moments

You know that point in doing an activity that involves skill and attention where you can suddenly look away without losing track of what you're doing? I recently reached that point with giving FI lessons. I don't know when the actual moment was, but I noticed it today very clearly.

The easiest thing for me to compare giving an FI to is learning a difficult tune on an instrument by ear. At first, you can't exactly figure out how to pay attention to the millions of pieces - how to play the instrument, what key the tune is in, what the tempo is, what all those notes or chords are, when they show up, when you think they should show up but they don't... It's easy to get stuck in the details and completely lose track of the tune. After a bit though, once you've got a few details down, you can begin to let the tune flow through you and pick up more and more details without having to work at it so hard. When those details are solidified, it becomes possible to stop staring intently at your fingers or clenching your jaw quite so tightly, and maybe even look around the room, laugh, or say something while playing.

Giving an FI, it's just as easy to get stuck in the details. What the hell am I supposed to be doing with this hand I'm holding? I don't have any idea what that demo was about. Are my feet connected to the floor? Is my spine as long as it could be? Is the person on the table bored? That person over there looks like they know what they're doing... Oh my god, I'm still holding this hand! ...What was I supposed to be paying attention to all this time?

Eventually, you learn to put your neuroses aside, and if they do come up, you remember to put that person's hand down, deal with the neuroses for a moment, then go back to what you were doing. You learn that if your mind is clear with nearly everything pushed into the background, you can do what you need to do with that hand (and arm and shoulder and nervous system and everything else) without thinking too hard about it, and it becomes possible to keep that attention going, even if you're doing something else at the same time.

While giving a classmate an FI today, I overheard my teachers joking with each other nearby. In some previous segments, I might have wanted them to shut up and go away so I could pay attention to what I was doing, but that definitely wasn't true this time. I caught the joke, laughed to myself about it, and looked up and smiled as one of them walked by me, all the while showing my classmate some options in how her wrist could move.

So now, the question of the evening - do I dare take my newly organized collarbones out to dance lindy hop, or will that just confuse me? They're in a completely different place than they were a week ago...

Segment 6, Day 3: movable shoulders! yay!

For the first two weeks of this segment, we have a guest teacher, Paul Rubin. He lives in San Francisco, where he had his own Feldenkrais training from Moshe himself in the mid-70s. That was the first US training, and Paul developed a close mentor-student relationship with Moshe. Paul's got all sorts of good stories on him. We've already heard at least 6 in the past three days. How he got that close relationship? By bugging Moshe with statements Paul knew would make him angry, taking the heat, and then standing up to Moshe and defending the original statement.

Paul is an interesting character himself. He's soft-spoken and fairly mild-mannered (except for the occasional sarcastic crack), but he has a large vocabulary and a huge amount of knowledge about the Feldenkrais Method and anatomy, and he likes showing it all off. Luckily it doesn't make him come off as pompous, just as an authority figure with no doubt about it.

I'm having a great week with what he's teaching us so far. We've been figuring out the connection between ATMs and FIs, which is a very strong but sometimes very subtle connection that can be tricky to find. Let me see if I can explain this a little better. This week, the ATM series we're doing has all been about mobility of the shoulder and arm, and how the spine, ribs, and sternum are all related to that mobility. You can see that connection in your own body. Lift one arm and use the other hand to gently push up under your armpit and along your side. Some pressure there will make you arm automatically rise further. Kinda fun, huh?

So, as we do ATMs learning to easily swing an arm like a windmill, or how to extend our arms farther above our heads than they would normal go comfortably, we're supposed to be analyzing the lessons themselves and seeing what pieces could be translated into or inspire an FI lesson, based on the function being taught. Yes, I could teach someone to reach further over their heads, but there's more to it than that. I could go farther with it and teach that person that they have a huge number of options about how they can move their shoulder blades.

(Did you know your shoulder blades can slide around in a full circle, not just a little up and down or side to side? No, not your shoulders, those are 7th grade PE shoulder rolls. Stop that. You're making me cringe. I said your shoulder blades.)

After a lesson like that, it's entirely possible that the person won't know for a moment where his or her shoulders and arms belong in space and in relation to the rest of his or her body. Strange idea, I know, but it happens all the time. Muscles that have been working too hard for too long breathe a sigh of relief as other disused muscles take a minute to figure out what their job actually is.

I always get excited when we get to explore working with shoulders, arms, and ribs. The ways people habitually use those particular parts of their bodies fascinates me. Feet are really cool too.

new slogan?

Somehow, in class, it's a very common situation that I get paired up with tall, big guys. Not huge, just big, often around the 6' range and not skinny. I'm 5'4" and not exactly the strongest person in the world.

It tends to work out well for both parties. They have to figure out how to work really small and gently with my super-sensitive nervous system and limited mobility, and I have to figure out how to use myself really efficiently to be able to move them without hurting myself or getting worn out. After a particularly successful lesson on Friday in my mentoring class with a guy who fits the tall and big description, Angel suggested a business card tagline - "Specializes in tall men." Not ideal wording, perhaps, but it might be true. They're fun lessons for me to give because I have to pay extremely close attention to what I'm doing, no cheating allowed.

And as a side note, Segment 6 of 8 starts in just under a month. In Nancy's words, holy shit.

finding the open door

I've gotten the chance to spend a few Friday mornings this summer in Angel's studio with a small group of classmates, about 4 or 6, in our FI Mentoring Class. Here's how it works. When we arrive, Angel gives us each a sheet of paper to fill out.

Do you want feedback?

_ During my practice _ After my practice _ Neither

What do you want to focus on today?

(As of yet, nobody's picked "Neither".)

Once we're settled, she gives us a lesson to practice with a classmate and explains that the idea behind the lesson on a piece of paper is that it's like an art class. There's a model or still life, but what you actually do is your interpretation of it. She checks in briefly with each of us about what we wrote on the small sheet of paper, we pair off, and are set free to explore the lesson.

Last Friday, a couple of exciting things happened. One, after watching the lesson I gave and seeing what had changed when my partner stood up to walk around, I got a high five from Angel. It was a truly successful lesson. The funny thing was, I felt pretty clueless most of the 45 minutes I was giving that lesson, and somehow it all worked out anyway. That's where the second exciting thing comes in...

I figured out the trick to a successful lesson!

I was extremely proud of myself for this. Working with my partner, there were lots of things that I couldn't figure out - unexpected reactions to what I did, indecipherable patterns in her movement... There was one thing though that I knew I could change and that I could tell needed to change for the movement I was trying to clarify in her to work. I found the "open door" (as we called it), focused on that, ignored all my confusion, and everything else fell into place.

This has certainly happened in other lessons I've given and received, but this was the first time I was able to put it into words and figure out what was actually going on. And as is always the case in almost anything you do, the trick is keep it simple. Find something that works and go with it.

explaining the unexplainable

This weekend Angel and Richard hosted a small preview for their new training starting in the fall, and asked me to come talk about my experience with Feldenkrais. I've never thought of my story as being one worth featuring in an event, but apparently it is? I share stories here so that they're not stuck in my head, not so that I can spread the gospel, so to speak.

Talking directly to a group of strangers about what has changed and happened was a lot easier than I expected it to be. Angel pointed out when I was done telling my story that 2.5 years ago, I never would have been willing to do such a thing. She's completely right. I surprised myself in agreeing to go today.

Looking back on the preview I went to before my training started is strange. I remember not really understanding any of what the current trainees were talking about, but knowing regardless that it was important. Even though I felt clueless, I knew by the end of the first day that I needed to do the training. I couldn't explain why to myself or anyone else, but that didn't matter.

One of the guests today, Lynn, a woman who is in charge of logistics for Angel and Richard's trainings and has gone through her own training, told the group that trying to explain what it's like to be in a Feldenkrais training is kind of like an astronaut trying to explain to you what it's like to take a space walk. I hope I made some sense to those people today.