Segment 8, Day 14: musings over coffee

Today we had our final practicum of the training, working with someone we'd never met before while being observed by classmates and teachers. It was amazing watching my classmates give FIs this time around - COMPLETELY different from last segment's practicums. Last time we were nervous, unfocused, too focused, unsure of our touch, unsure of ourselves... but this time, we were calm. No one was obviously panicking. Everyone had a fairly clear idea behind what they were doing. We were more comfortable with our clients. Whether or not we all actually felt at east, we all appeared to be at ease. What a change.

We have a week left. Everyone's got senioritis, and it's showing in all sorts of ways. Some people are withdrawing a little, some are punchy, some are in denial, some are celebratory. I'm not really sure where I fall on that spectrum, but it's somewhere between punchy and denial all while feeling reflective, which is a strange place to be. I've never liked sudden changes like graduations. They throw me off balance. Doesn't matter if it's moving from the 3rd grade to the 4th grade or graduating from this training, I always find myself glad to be moving on but not wanting it to be over. Ready to take on what comes next, but scared of leaving familiarity.

I found a quote today in a book I'm reading that is helping me figure out the relationship between the work I do and the trouble I have explaining it with words. I thought I'd share it here.

"My eye, solitary, filled with its own history, is desperate to evade, erase, forget; it is watching now, watching fiercely, like a scientist looking for a cure, deciding for some days to forget about words, to know at last that the words for colours, the blue-grey-green of the sea, the whiteness of the waves, will not work against the fullness of watching the rich chaos they yield and carry." - Colm Toibin, The Empty Family

I have to remember that, while it may feel like words just get in the way, they don't actually do any harm.

Segment 8, Day 3: finding happiness, or not

Angel asked us an interesting question this morning. She wanted to know about our experiences of happiness during training months.

Many people answered along these lines: The time spent in class paying such close attention to movement habits and realizing you have more choices translates into realizing you have more emotional choices and can have more peace in your life because you don't act on impulse so much.

One person's answer: Happiness is a byproduct of the work we do, not something inherent in a training month.

I'm with that second person. I didn't give an answer in class because I needed more time to think about it, but maybe I'll say something tomorrow. If so, this is what I want to say. I think that looking for happiness during a training month is missing the point. The point of these 8 months, for me, has been to acknowledge the frustration, confusion, pain, terror, sadness, exhaustion, etc, this work brings up, figure out how to deal with it, and move on. There is happiness that can come during or after working through those things, but happiness is not my goal. I personally think happiness in essence is a little dull. I'd rather be a little unhappy but have interesting questions in my life to figure out. Wouldn't you?